Remember That Time a Toilet Cracked my Rib?

February 20, 2014 By Tom

I think I saw the bright white light, last night.

…Then I realized it was just the stark white color of the toilet.

And that, I realized I was teetering in a way that I was going to give myself a very unpleasant swirly.

But let’s back up to the beginning of this sort of amusing, and painful story.

There’s a Mexican restaurant in Broad Ripple that I haven’t been to in years.  It’s not my favorite dining establishment, and for years they didn’t serve margaritas (what Mexican place doesn’t do tequila?), so it was not a regular spot on my rotation.  Let’s be honest here, if it wasn’t a regular spot on my rotation it meant I usually actively campaigned against it.  But yesterday it was the lunchtime selection for Lunch Wednesday at the office, and it’s been so long that I wanted to give it another try.

My food was good, I thought “I can do this again”, and the bill was super cheap.

Finished, paid and by 1PM was back at the work space being super productive.

Fast forward to 4:15 and I’m starting to feel “off”.  A bit queasy, a bit funny, so I grab something to drink to help settle my stomach.  It doesn’t work, and by 5:15PM I decide to call it a day and get home to assess the situation.

If I had waited to 5:16, my car would need to get detailed today.  I got sick as soon as I walked in the door, with everything I’ve ever eaten or thought about eating.  I’m pretty sure I puked broccoli, and it’s been months since I last had broccoli.  I think to myself, “I haven’t been around anyone who is sick, and this came on so quickly and so violently it has to be food related.”

I immediately feel better, decide to shower, wind up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower and then get sick again.  And again. And again.  Time stands still, I’m unaware of what’s going on around me, my body aches, I’m pretty sure I saw the grim reaper walk past the window once or twice.

And then, the damn power goes out.  Seriously, I’ve seen this movie–and it never ends well for the dude home alone sick as can be in his bathroom.  I decide that I’m pretty sure, days from now somebody will find me naked, shower still running, in a puddle of vomit and other bodily fluid in a dark room.  This doesn’t exactly help my feelings of nausea, but after about 15 minutes–I’m happy the power turns back on and that I haven’t been carved up by some freaky serial killer who like to go after sick people.

But, the coup de grâce is throwing up one more time–and passing out.  It’s something I did when I was little but it’s been many years since it was an issue.  The problem with passing out was I was on my knees, and in the process I crashed my chest right into the toilet bowl.  My last semi-coherent thought was “my rib just popped”, and then I was out.  By the time I came too I was teetering just a few inches from unpleasantness and more importantly, my left lower ribs took the full blow of the weight.

And from that grace, I managed to crack a rib.  I’m sore, between my back being trashed from getting sick, my rib cage being really delicate–I feel like a hot mess.  I woke up every time I rolled over last night, I feel like I had the world’s hardest workout, and I’ve cancelled my agenda for today.

The couch and I, we’re going to be best friends after today–that and some serious Gatorade drinking as I try to re-hydrate.  I’m feeling pretty weak and miserable, but I’m thinking I’ll rally here sooner than later.

Please, laugh, I am…or at least I would be if it didn’t hurt so bad.