The Make Up of the Break DownNovember 15, 2011
Hmmm….where have I been? It’s been a month since I last wrote anything; and believe it or not….my vacancy had nothing to do with my factual and true commentary in the weeks leading up to my disappearance. I wish I had some amusing quip or witty comment on everything…but the reality is I just had to disengage from portions of the path I found myself going down. I had a great conversation with a good friend the day the Reality of a Broken Justice System went live; and she reminded me that sometimes a breath of fresh air is the only cure for what ails me. So; I took that breath…Miami was a great way to step away for a few days and “recover” and drink a margarita or two and feel the sand between my toes. I stopped checking in with our attorneys for constant updates, stopped using Google to see if anything had been updated about the Mavris Arts and Events Center or the Mavris Wedding Bus Crash, and I found that by backing off of this it dropped my blood pressure tremendously.
After we got back from Miami; I realized that the trip was a good start but I had to keep focused on the “fresh air”. Work was keeping me busy during the day; but I found myself still frustrated and moody when I had a moment to sit back and think about everything. So I dug into different projects that kept me busy; took my physical and mental strength and took up lots and lots of time. As I talked about earlier in the summer; I had found a lot of solace in taking on home projects that were new to me or at least complicated enough to require my utmost attention. So…I went back to doing just that; the list of projects I’ve taken on in the past month isn’t anything that “fun” or “exciting”; but it’s kept me busy, made me happy, and has updated the look of our home and made certain parts more practical. It’s given me a chance to spend hours focused on something that wasn’t work or Crash related; something that when done…I knew instantly if it “worked” or “didn’t”. You can’t get any more analytical than if it’s functioning or if it isn’t….and that has been a welcomed change from the grey area of everything else out of my/our control.
L understood my need for home projects just as much as her own need to run, and I think she’s now got two things to show for her patience of me keeping myself busy….a better house and a better husband (and a fully functional car I finally fixed).
I had been chasing down the world’s most annoying squeak on the Jeep all summer; and with the amount of projects I had tackled found I had parked it in with insulation and other crap in the garage….so it’s been a while since I got out in it. Last week on the last nice day in the forecast I dusted it off and found that the squeak was gone (despite me not doing anything to fix it since the last time I tried); and after that drive I put the top on and got it ready for the winter. I figured that with my luck the squeak would be back as soon as I buttoned it up and it was just a fluke it had vanished…..but to my surprise the theme of it working still continues through today.
As I was driving Sunday to get coffee and run to Home Depot; I chuckled at the thought that JBD was pissed I had been spending these last few months so pissed off in his Jeep; and he was going to make it squeak until I calmed down and chilled out…I think I had spent the summer “missing the point” of what fun the Jeep was supposed to be with the top and doors off….so I credit JBD for that reminder…and am thankful he made the awful noise relent.
The second reason I mention this is the irony of the first song that came across my iPod after I had that thought on Sunday. It’s an incredibly old Everclear album from way before they “made it big”. I pulled out the two verses that caught my attention:
“Loser Makes Good”
You say it’s Christmas Eve, that don’t mean nothing to me
Just another fucked up day, just another waste of time
You wonder why I live like this, man you just won’t understand
(Guess I realized I could view the upcoming holidays as “just another day” and miss what they really are about, or I could keep on this path of living life and understand that these are the things that I can’t afford to miss/let pass by because of being consumed with The Crash)
You smart-ass college fuck
Act like you think you’re tall
I was just like you
More pride than you could know
You think you pity me
Hey I’ll kick your ass if you pity me
I won’t give in, I’m not like that
No I won’t give in to you
You college boy act like you think you’re tall
I won’t give in, I’m not like that
I won’t give in
(We’ve said since The Crash we aren’t looking for pity; and I choked on my coffee as I heard these lyrics. Despite all my anger towards those responsible….I won’t let “College Boy Purdue Pete” get to me…he isn’t worth it)
I’m pretty sure I have a mailbox full of texts and emails from people that I need to touch base with…if you’re on that list I am catching up; sorry for going off the grid for the past month or two. Even in all of this though; the many hours I’ve spent working on whatever…I kept coming back to how thankful for what a great wife, parents, family, and friends I do have…I think they all knew I had to go off the grid for a bit to find myself again without me ever even saying so and let me do so with dignity and respect.
So now; if you’ll excuse me….I need to finish patching the big holes in the drywall in Lauren’s office I had to create….and if drywall and mudding doesn’t spike my blood pressure, I might really be “okay” after all!